and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of woman,
not the grief of a child
and you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow’s ground is
too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down
in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
you really are strong
you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn

all you need is love

This song, so ubiquitous, so seemingly simple, is so very brilliant and so very true. Whenever I listen, really listen to the words, I get a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. It perfectly captures the unbearable lightness of being, the very essence of everything that is good and difficult and simple and real and right and true. So very easy and yet so very hard.

I just read this fact about the writing of the song and it makes me love John Lennon more (I've always been a George fan, you know, when asked who my favourite Beatle is).

When asked in 1971 whether songs like "Give Peace a Chance" and "Power to the People" were propaganda songs, he answered: 'Sure. So was All You Need Is Love. I'm a revolutionary artist. My art is dedicated to change.

The song has once again become poinagant to me, not just because I love it for it's familiarity and the general understand of it's lyrics. It matters to me now because i feel like I am standing on the edge, the gravel running out from under my toes, so very near to leaping. letting go and letting what is, actually is, be present. 

Contradictions

As I was walking back to the office, slice of chocolate cake in hand, I heard a baby crying. Urgently. The particular tones of this baby's cries grated on my nerves. I read somewhere once that babies are biologically wired to get on our nerves, it's how they survive. I would say this is true. Nerves, plus love. Lots and lots of love. Nothing sets my heart racing quite so fast as the cries of my children or the particular tone of disappointment in D's voice when I've said or done something stupid again.

I feel stuck. And lost. Lost and Stuck. There are so many contradictions for each and every feeling that I have. I don't know how to proceed or which step to take.

I feel irritated by the cries of my children in the night and so sad that they are no longer babies. What will I do with my time when I no longer have cries to respond to?

I feel so, so angry and I am so in need of forgiveness.

On writing

I have grappled with writing in some way or another my whole life. Well, since I learned to write and be self-reflective....so, 14 years old. I kept a journal for 7 years. A neat, eclectic little stack of books developed in my room and moved with me to Peteborough when I was 19 and then from apartment to apartment around that precious city. It's now been about 7 years since I stopped writing on a regular basis. From the best I can remember, I stopped writing because I felt like I was spinning in circles. Writing the same stories of anxiety and heartbreak over boys and who I was. It wasn't helping me and I was tired of talking. So I even stopped talking to myself in this particular way. There's no point in wondering now if it was a detriment to me or not...it is what it is. But now I see that writing is something that I need to do. It helps me to feel clear and calm in myself. No matter how repetitive it may sound or how poor of a writer I fear I am. It doesn't matter. It's for me. And maybe my children one day.

I love to read about the everyday lives of others and it helps me to not feel so alone in the world at times. And isn't that one of the most important parts of being human? To know and be known? To help others not feel so alone in this world...in this life?

My mind is often a mess...fumbling around, trying to please and understand and communicate all it's passion and messiness. And so my writing will be the same. I will stop waiting for the perfect moment or the perfect pen or insisting on consistency. There will be writing in books, on this blog, in my phone, in my day planner, in letters to loved ones and notecards to everyone.

I'm 31 years old and I can tell you this about myself: I am much better at writing than I am at speaking. Trust me.

My Job

My job is to be with you. To feel you move and listen to what you need. To be patient with the time you need to take.

How was your weekend?

Hi friends,

It's another hot sticky day here in Toronto (and a Monday too!) We've had an endless parade of unrelentingly hot days lately; it's getting a little unbearable. Most Canadians are unlikely to say much against our nice summer days since they are so few, but when it's hot like this for weeks at a time, I find it hard not to complain (like I'm doing right now!)

Anyway, on to the weekend...

On Friday night we went to the movies to see Transformers and it was not as bad as it's predecessors, though I still wouldn't quite call it a good movie. But it's always nice to sit in the nice cool theatre with D. Plus we played pinball!

Saturday was our weekly epic sleep-in, followed by coffee and delicious chocolate-banana scones in the park near our house. The temperature was nice in the shade and we watched the babies and kids play in the wading pool, while talking about our own peapod. The rest of the day was errands, followed by long chats in the evening and movies in bed. One of my all-time favourite things is just sitting around and talking to D. We do this a lot and I never like it any less...in fact, I like it more all the time.

Sunday was also another quiet day. It was hot, hot, hot (34 degrees without the humidity!) and we did a lot of laying around on our bed, our bedroom being the only air conditioned room in the house. I was awesomely cranky and D was funny and patient. This followed by baby shower chats, dinner and movies was a good end to the weekend.

I find myself getting easily overwhelmed this days, but at the same time I want to relish in the luxuriousness of being able to lay around all day, just the two of us.

How about you? Anything exciting?

Today

Today. Today was a day for grown ups. That's me. Nowadays.

I woke up, showered, then left the house to catch the 501 to work. Texting with my boss about meeting on the way there, while drinking tea. When I got to work, I read throigh my emails, looked at my to-do list and checked my bank account. Uh-oh. House insurance payment didn't go through. Emailed banker to reverse charges that caused the bounce, called D and insurance broker. Banker reversed the charges= problem solved. Leave office in a cab for a meeting, passing the shanty town of teenagers on the sidewalks waiting for wristbands for the MMVA's and their chance to see Lady Gaga.

Grab lunch with boss and her equally as impressive mother, then drive to Markham for client meeting. Meeting with out client who is full of potential but having trouble getting off the ground. Make recommendation, have some laughs, leave. Drive back to the office in terrible traffic, even at at 2pm, grab lunch and catch up on emails again.

Talk co-worker down from the panic attack she's having, write fact sheet for a product launch, leave office at 6:30. Talk to my mother all the way home about family and life.

Get off the phone and clean the bathtub. Start dinner, text with D about the pleasure of hearing little kids playing outside. Stir the meal I'm making and think about how grown up I feel today. Can't believe John Tesh is talking about how Facebook and other social networks are often the catalyst for cheating. How is that news?

Did I mention I'm 22 weeks pregnant?

It's All Ours

Yep. We bought a house. A really big house and it's allll ours! This is the Google street view of it...looking forward to summer! I have some pictures and stories about the house coming soon...

February's Theme

This print perfectly captures the theme of our month. Big changes are happening!

(via Cup of Jo)

Storm!

So, if you live in Toronto, you've likely hear about the massive storm headed our way. If you haven't heard, I'm very surprised and hey, you should probably buy some boots within the next few hours. Just a tip from me to you.

Anyway, all kinds of neat satellite images are showing up right now that show the storm closing in on Southern Ontario. It would seem that our friends to the Northwest are getting it pretty bad.

Here are my two favourites. The first is courtesy of the NOAA:

And the second is from Weather Underground:

Stay warm and safe, friends!

Lady in Blue

My sister's boyfriend, Jeff, is a very talented artist and he's started practicing portraits, since he doesn't often draw them. This lady in blue is my sister and I can definitely see her in this drawing. It also reminds me of Joni Michell's, Blue.

I think there's something romantic about having your portrait drawn, don't you?

Keep it up, Jeff!

Hiss & Crunch

The hiss of gas meters feeding furnaces. The crunch of snow, underfoot, when it's oh-so cold out.

The sounds of winter.

(Photo: New Year's Day, 2008)

Apartment Hunting

I'm currently in the process of finding a little corner of the world for D and I to share and while it's exciting, the process of apartment hunting can be somewhat discouraging at times. For example, we found our dream apartment as soon as we starting looking, only to have the people who saw it first decide that it was their dream apartment too. Now, every apartment we see will be compared to the unobtainable apartment...so the search continues.

Anyway, this got me thinking about the very first apartment I ever had and the list that Kirsty (then residence mate)and I made describing our dream apartment together. Here are some of the things on that list:

- lots of pillows (no clue)
- portraits of women we admired (Frida, Joni, Patti)
- paint and the tools to paint with
- typewriters
- first editions of our favourite books (Demian, Little Women)

Basically it was a list of things we wanted. Now, being a little older and wiser than I was at 19, I think more about the actual building I want to live in and the furnishings. Though I still love that creativity to was central to my and Kirsty's dream apartment and I know that it will be an important element of my future dream house. Here are some of my current "must haves:"

- hardwood floors
- a working fireplace
- minimum 2 bedrooms (for now...)
- space for guests (it's going to have to be a big house)
- lots of light
- warm!
- a spacious kitchen
- closet space
- nice old touches (the moldings, doorknobs, bathroom fixtures, etc.)
- some yard space for a garden
- a porch
- character

Oh, how the list has changed! It would be wonderful if we could find all of the things above in our new apartment; if not, I know that we'll find them in our dream home one day soon. And we will dance in the living room.

(Photo: view from my bedroom in apartment #2, 2005.)

I wish...

I wish Prime Minister Harper was more like President Obama.

Exhibit A:

Blackberry Pictures

So. My boss has bestowed a (dreaded, vile) Blackberry upon me. It's taking some getting used to and I'm determined not to become one of "those people." Sometimes, I can't believe that I'm the one making the clicky typing noise I dislike so much.

However! I have discovered the fun that is taking pictures of my daily life throughout the city and sending them to people, particularly Kirsty in Ottawa.

Below are some highlights from the past week:


This is me talking to D about having a Blackberry on Day 1. Clearly, I'm already stressed out.


Just some beautiful flowers for sale at the market near my house.


Pumpkins piled high in the back of a vintage pickup truck parked in front of the same market.


Toronto at sunset on the Autumnal Equinox.


Where Queen St. passes over the Don River.


Looking North over the Don Valley Parkway. That's how you get to Peterborough.

Letters of Note

I came across this blog, Letters of Note, a few months ago. I instantly loved it and got lost in the many letters published on the blog. Just as I was about to post some of my favourite entries, I was distracted, only to revisit the blog this evening.

Not only are the letters incredible themselves, but I like seeing the handwriting and letterhead of people such as Steve McQueen, Hugh Hefner, Harper Lee, Wil Wheaton and Johnny Cash to name a few.

Fall is here, hear the yell*

Although fall officially begins on September 23rd this year, the season is already here. Whenever Labour Day passes and the new school year starts, everyone feels the pull towards fall and inevitably winter, even if it's still 30 degrees outside.

Though it's not quite over yet, let's take a little look back over the summer:


To kick things off, D opened his new business! Hooray!


We went to the drive-in during the last weekend in May (as mentioned before.) We also got our first sunburns of the summer that weekend.


We had not one, not two, but three garage sales in Peterborough and I believe the above photo is from garage sale number two. This is the most talented Jeff, drawing, while his beautiful art is on display and for sale. (Complete with unicorn head paperweights!)


I witnessed hundreds of teenagers spend 4 days and three nights camped out on Toronto sidewalks for advance tickets to the Much Music Video Award tickets. This meant a whole lot of screaming and mess right outside my office. It also resulted in me feeling old as I stood at the windows, declaring to my co-workers "that I would never let my kids do that." I'm sure fate will get me for that one.


My lovely grandmother turned 86. 86!


We went to the cottage a couple of times. And both times it was lovely to be away from the smelly city and the noise and the attitudes and the heat and, and, and...I could go on forever. We also went to an auction, watched my mother's dog hunt relentlessly for spiders on the dock and attended my aunt's 60th birthday party.


August flew by with a metal band from Timmins, craziness at work, lots of lap swimming at the local (free!) pool near by and some of the hottest weather Toronto has seen since the 50's. Then, at the end of it, M came home (at last) and she gave me this tote bag, among other lovely gifts. The print on the bag is by Mucha, an artist that my Mom, M and I love.

And here we are now, two weeks into September already. The weather is sunny, but cool and it makes for the best sleeping, with the windows thrown wide open.

*This song always reminds me of fall, for obvious and not so obvious reasons.

In the middle of the night I call your name

I think Oh Yoko by John Lennon is one of the best love songs ever written. It couldn't be more sweet, straightforward and passionate.

I heard it tonight, for the first time in a long time, and my heart swelled. I thought to myself how terrible it would be if I had never heard this song. Listen to that piano, listen to John's voice.

If you haven't heard Oh Yoko before, you can listen to it here.

(Photo from the New York Daily News website)

One more month

It's exactly one month to the day that my sweet sister comes home. It will be 14 months since I've seen her by then! Too long, I say!

Here is a picture M took shortly after she arrived in South Korea. I was going to post a picture of her, but I don't think she'd like that. Plus, she's got skills with a camera (as you can see below) and I like to brag about it.

How was your day?

My day was pretty good. It started out a little rough because I may, or may not, have been up late last night with D, drinking wine on a bench down by the lake. Work was mediocre, but then the evening was quite nice. I went to the public pool near my house and swam 12 laps (12!). Then I sat down by the pool and sunned my legs.

Question- Is a lap one trip across the pool? Or is a lap there and back? If it's there and back, I did 6. But still!

Then I came home, ate a burger, and fell asleep reading Under the Tuscan Sun. When I woke up, I went online to find my dear sister in Hanoi. Hanoi! She's a little bit like Carmen Sandiego these days as she travels through Asia. It's hard for me to imagine her so far away, especially since I've never been to Vietnam, or anywhere in Asia for that matter, so I don't know how it feels there.

And now, to sleep! For the second time this evening.

P.S. My sister, cousins and I used to love playing "Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?" Good work, Gumshoe!